Training Session One

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Training Session One

Post by Lord James on Mon Jan 06, 2014 5:51 pm

Okay, before training starts, simply reply to the below post once with your best work. Once this is done, I will review your post and point out where you want to touch it up abit and give you alternative word placement to some parts if need be. After this You will be provided with several easy to remember steps to replying to a role play. Naturally you may not need the entire training session to get where you want to be but if you want too, other small and short RP's generally taking up a single scene can be played through with practice. So lets begin.

Overview. You are a trader looking to smuggle some expensive stuff into a space port and are meeting with one of the ports Captions who has offered to meet with you to arrange this. Your goal, is to successfully convince this man to smuggle your stuff into port with you.

Post:

I walked down a small hallway on my ship and headed to the meeting chamber. Currently i am on one of my three capital ships I have collected. Found them laying in space and blown apart so I fixed the ones I could afford to fix and now they are my prized trade vessels able to move enough supplies to support at least five armies. I was also, known to a few, as a man able to smuggle anything into three ports. I was meeting with a trader today to arrange such an operation.

To prevent being ratted out, I dressed in a full black robe with a hood that put a shadow over my face and used a voice changer mask. Entering a room I took note for anything being out of place. Nothing. The room had a single small table with refreshments, for my guest of course. Escorting me were two Drone Sentinels. I made them myself.

The drones looked like people, well in a general sense but they were full machines. Protected by plates of metal made to be resistant to heat and were compleatly AI. As long as I don't abuse them they willingly work to protect my ships. Plus they don't need food. Now as they guarded the door, I waited for an escort team of four Sentinels to bring in this trader.
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Re: Training Session One

Post by Deadfinger on Tue Jan 07, 2014 4:23 am

I walk down the hall of the ship being escorted by four of what seem to be the most emotionless guys ive ever seen, at least I know that I won't get bombarded with sleazy remarks. Honestly I just want to get this over with.

My eyes wonder around as I contiue to the meeting place, I really needed to get this deal done and over, it was important you needed the special package deliverd it was highly expensive and does not come cheep not to mention extremely illigal. You reach a room that's guarded by two well people you say although you still weren't sure they looked to lifeless. They open the room and take a seat across the captain waiting for him to speak and hoping to god this works out.

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Re: Training Session One

Post by Lord James on Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:09 am

Alright, now the review part. You have and like most, a very good start. Patch up work is easy Smile One thing to notice is you started your post in first person, and then seamed to move to third person. I strongly advise keeping just to first person or third person.

Detail: You have everything down but some details. A lack of idea on he surroundings. Although i described the machines already, it does not heart to do the same in your point of view. No two point of views are the same. You also never mentioned what I (the captian) looked like when you walked in the room or described the room. For detail that all I would advise fixing.

Beyond that, its a really good start Smile

With what I said in mind, make another reply to the post and take a little more time on it. I will leave it up to you on what you change and don't change.
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Re: Training Session One

Post by Deadfinger on Wed Jan 08, 2014 1:52 am

I did not notice the switch of point of view thanks.

You walk down the hall of the ship being escorted by four of what seem to be the most emotionless guys you have ever seen, at least you know that You won't get bombarded with sleazy remarks. Honestly You just want to get this over with, you had other safer things you could be doing.

Your eyes wonder around as You continue down to the meeting place, You really needed this deal to happen and be over, it was to important to just slip from your grasp and needed the special package deliverd it was highly expensive and not to mention extremely illigal. You reach a room that's guarded by two well people you say although you still weren't sure they looked to lifeless.

They open the room which wasn't that large and held a small table were the captain sat, they guide you in and have you take a seat across the captain, who was in a full black cloak and had a hood over his head probably trying to conseal his identity so people won't get dumb ideas. You look at the refreshments on the table then to him. You both ment buisness and you were a little bit nervous as well, but this had to be done all you had to do was make the right deal.

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Re: Training Session One

Post by Lord James on Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:25 am

I must say I am very proud when people grasp this so easily Very Happy Sorry! Just having a moment! No major flaws and close to perfect detail. From here without a back story, there is no room to add a lot more. Previous posts and events in a role play as you know, effect how one reacts. In the least, your good just as you are if you manage and I am sure you will, to stick to posts as good as the second. So laslty the least i gan do is provide tips for he future.

First, before you reply, take note of every action the previous character made before you. Even if its as simple as the movement of a hand and so forth. Take note of them and determine which ones you can and should react to.

Second: Keep in mind your character is not a god. This you don't seam to have any problem with so I wont stress it but simply to point out a character may only know about what has happened around him, and no further.

Third: Keep a good mental picture of the environment down. Simply describe your surroundings and point out anything that others can use to get a mental image of the place your in. Its a little tricky but practice makes perfect Smile

Combat: No one is invincible. While yes you have some people who are very good at a specific weapon, its best to get at least a few scratches and close calls in to stress your not immortal. Its more of a problem in middle age based rp's but for the most part everyone keeps this in mind.

Reply Length: Ignore this. A reply is a reply. This does not mean always post small but length will very depending on what you can reply to.

Beyond that it should all click. I know I mentioned a few dead obvious things but I just want to cover what I can. Point is you have the general idea down enough to get into the action. So your options here are simple. We can finish the above RP or let you go, lock this one, and let you join another. If your not sure what to do to join another, just ask. I can get you in just about any of them with ease.

So without further a due, good job Smile You passed Smile
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Re: Training Session One

Post by Deadfinger on Wed Jan 08, 2014 7:32 pm

Thanks a lot for your help I'll try and make good note of what you said

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Re: Training Session One

Post by Teal Deer on Wed Jan 08, 2014 9:42 pm

I'm not realy the best of teachers in text, but I'd like to point a few refrence points out, as it were.
1. Perspectives: This is one you don't realy learn about until you start learning a second language or take collage-level English courses. James, pay atention.
First person is yourself; I.E., I, me, my, us, our, we,
Second person is directed at someone else; I.E., You, your, you're, you all
Third persin is somebody you talk about; I.E., he, she, they, their, that

While your work is very good for a beginer, Deadfinger, it runs in to the second persin wall. In short, it seems as if you are forcing the reader in to a specific role. Roleplays don't have many rules, but the cardnial rule is never force someone to do something. Writing in second person, while nit breaking this rule, skirts it and makes many people feel uncomfertable. If you wish to change any previous posts without major edditing, any "you"s can be easily replaced with "I"s or "me"s without any dificulty.
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Re: Training Session One

Post by Aster on Wed Mar 12, 2014 6:33 pm

((Only doin' this for the hay of it.))

To Loraina Landers, seeing the ship pull into the dock had made her feel like her fate had been sealed. What she was doing was wrong. Illegal. It went against her morals as well as her people's laws. If she was caught doing this, she would be beheaded. Or stoned. Or hanged. Or locked up in a prison to suffer insanity. Though if she wasn't caught, sure she'd escape physical punishment. But after this … she'd feel like the scum of the earth. Not worthy of anything. Not even her father, for whom she was doing this for.

Her father was sick. Bed-ridden with a nearly incurable disease. It was rare, and the cure even rarer. Thankfully, she knew the local apothecary. And he hand the plant stored away for safe keeping.

But despite her knowing him, he called a high price. A price that only the most noble of the barons could pay. And she was only a peasent who only had her father.

Loraina had thought of ways to raise up this money. Every time she had an idea, she pondered the pros and cons.

Needless to say, all of her ideas would take a long time. And time wasn't really on her side.

When her friend George suggested this idea, Loraina was adamant. It was a quick way to earn cash. Enough cash that could buy her the cure.

But when she gained this package to hand off to the captain that she was going to speak to today, the fact that what she was about to do was wrong.

It was too late now, though. Besides, her only family was on the forefront of her mind.

When a crewman finally arrived to take her into the ship, she reached up to pull the hood over her head, concealing her black hair. She then followed the young boy, looking at the cobblestoned ground with her brown eyes as she walked.

It took a while for them to finally stop in front of the ship's captain quarters. But when they did, Loraina's heart raced. "This is wrong!" a niggling voice at the back of her mind screamed for what seemed like the billionth time this month. "Turn back NOW!"

But she knew that -- when the crewman that ledger here opened the door for her to enter -- it needed to be done. Otherwise she's be an orphan. She'd never get to hear her father's laughter or listen to stories of his sailing days.

That may have sounded selfish, but she didn't really care. She needed her father. And then, she realized as she pulled back the hood when the door slammed shut that her morals had to wait.

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Re: Training Session One

Post by Lord James on Wed Mar 12, 2014 9:46 pm

(Right now I am assuming you arrived at my capital ship and proceeded to be taken to my cabbed. If this is wrong i ask you tell me asap Razz)

"I told you not to bring anyone to my quarters!" I hollered at one of my men as they entered. The Drone showed no emotion to my rant and simply replied.

"Sir, she insisted on meeting you as soon as possible. She says it can't wait. She says it's important." I mumbled.

"Everyone who want something thinks it's important. Alright. Send her in." I wondered, out of all the people i have done business with, none have ever convinced the drones to override their programming and take them to my present location. If she had, then this was something that had tremendous value in it. The question was, what was it.

Slipping on the black robe and pulling the hood up i clicked on the voice changer and prepared to meet with this woman. She walked in hooded and clocked, concealing her. The two drones stood at either side of the door and waited.

In a rough, deep, tone I talked first. "To what do I owe the pleasure? It is not often one can convince my men to instantly bring you before me so I must wonder, what is so vital?"

There was no harm in revealing the small fact she was able to override their programming. If anything it would show an increase in my interest to this matter, something i strongly was interested in at this point. I took a moment to study her and from what little i could tell, she was nervous and tense.

A tense and nervous customer made bad company and a tense conversation i did not have an interest in having. So i approached a chair and set it close to a small table here. "Come sit, make yourself at least a little confterbal. Though i was not sure confert was a huge possibility on a ship like this.

I then pulled out two glasses and poured two cups of sweet wine that would have no strong effects. I placed a glass close to her end of the table and took a seat on my end.
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